Giving Yourself Your Flowers: How often do Brits criticise themselves?

There are plenty of thoughts that spin around our heads in a given week. And some of these can be greatly positive, whilst others… not so much. 

On average, it turns out that UK adults think about themselves negatively 6.46 times per week - almost once a day. This adds up to 28 times a month and a huge 336 times a year. 

Sadly this means that there are just 29 days a year that UK adults don’t think or speak poorly of themselves. 

And for some of us, the problem is even more prevalent. 

One in three (31%) said they think and speak poorly of themselves between 5 and 9 times a week. Meanwhile, a quarter (25%) have these negative thoughts as much as twice a day, estimating they think this between 10 and 20 times a week. 

In comparison, people think about themselves positively 6.47 times per week, meaning for the average UK adult there is a 50:50 split on the nature of their self-talk. 

When asked, almost a third (31%) said they never think or speak positively about themselves.

To really show how this stacks up in our treatment of ourselves, we at Eflorist created a bouquet of Brits’ thoughts–showing the weekly flowers UK adults would gift themselves if their thinking had physical implications. 
When it comes to self gifting, many of us wouldn’t choose to buy ourselves a half wilted bouquet of flowers–so how do we help our positive self-talk grow, and start ‘giving ourselves our flowers’?

When asked to compare how they speak about themselves versus friends and family, there’s a stark contrast for Brits. 

Our study found that people are negative about their friends/family 3.74 times per week, almost half as frequently as they are to themselves.

In fact, half of UK adults (51%) even said they are never critical towards their friends and family. So why doesn’t this apply to ourselves? 

Sim Shamu, Behaviour Specialist and UKSBA Practising Registrant, shared his behavioural insights, revealing that many don’t consider their own mistakes in full context. 

“Many people have learned to treat kindness towards others as caring, but kindness towards themselves as indulgent or weak. 

“That is one reason self-compassion is often misunderstood. It is not letting yourself off the hook. It's responding to yourself in a way that helps you recover, learn, and take the next useful step.

“People are often kinder to others because they can see the full context more easily. If a friend makes a mistake, we naturally consider their stress, intentions, effort, or circumstances. When we make the same mistake ourselves, we are more likely to reduce the whole story to ‘I failed’ or ‘I’m not good enough’.”

When it comes to treating yourself the way you’d treat others, Sim Shamu says a practical test is to think: “‘Would I say this to someone I love, in this tone, at this moment?’ If the answer is no, it may not be a helpful way to speak to yourself either.

When it comes to self-compassion across the population, for UK women the problem is even more pronounced. We found that just 27% of women say they never speak or think poorly about themselves (versus 41% of men). 

On average, UK women think about themselves negatively 7.20 times per week - once a day. In comparison, UK men think 5.67 negative self-thoughts per week on average. 

For women, this tallies up to 31 negative thoughts a month and 374 a year.

In comparison, women are negative about their loved ones just 3.52 times a week. Making them twice as likely to think poorly of themselves than others.

As we can see, when it comes to women’s perceptions, their flowers for friends would be much more alive and blooming than the bouquet they’d get for themselves. 

When asked about the main topics for negative self-talk, 35% of UK adults said their body was the cause of most of their inner criticism. This is followed by their mistakes (28%) and (17%) and their hair.

And as we know that it’s easier to be kind to others than it is to ourselves, it may come as no surprise that three in five (60%) said they are their own biggest critic. 

Despite the majority (68%) believing that it is important to be kind to themselves, 63% said they are kinder to others. 

Of Brits’ critics, 29% say their family regularly criticise them, making them the nation’s biggest critics. One in five (20%) said this for their co-workers/boss, while 19% said they are regularly disparaged by their friends.

When it comes to showing ourselves love, the most popular method of self care is tending to our basic needs. 

Two-fifths (39%) of Brits said they tend to their basic needs such as eating, sleeping and hygiene as a form of self care. 

Almost a third (31%) said they prioritise ‘me time’, while 29% will celebrate their small wins. 

22% buy themselves treats, searching for ‘gifts for me’ and ‘self-care gifts’ such as a small bouquet of flowers, as an act of self compassion. 

However, one in five (21%) said they do not show love or compassion to themselves at all. 

Speaking to Sim Shamu, Behaviour Specialist and UKSBA Practising Registrant at pbsaba.co.uk, he has said that the volume of negative thoughts isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, but rather the impact these thoughts have. 

“A 50:50 split between positive and negative self-talk does not automatically mean something is wrong, but it does suggest many people are spending a lot of time in self-monitoring or self-correction mode.

“Negative self-talk often becomes more likely when someone makes a mistake, compares themselves to others, feels judged, or falls short of a standard they have set for themselves. 

“The important question is not only ‘how often do I think negatively about myself?’ but ‘what happens next?’ 

“If self-talk helps someone notice a problem and make a useful change, that is different from self-talk that leaves them ashamed, stuck, avoidant, or unable to recognise progress.

“Negative self-talk becomes more concerning when it is frequent, harsh, difficult to step back from and starts changing what a person does. For example, if someone avoids social plans, gives up quickly, stops trying new things, constantly checks their appearance, or struggles to accept reassurance, the self-talk is no longer just a private thought. It is shaping their behaviour.

“A useful rule of thumb is: occasional self-doubt is human. Repeated self-attack that affects your choices, mood, relationships, sleep, body image, or willingness to take part in life deserves attention.

What can we do if we find we’re being overly negative? Sim Shamu says not to force fake positivity. 

“For many people, jumping from ‘I’m awful’ to ‘I’m amazing’ feels unrealistic and doesn't stick. A more useful first step is to move from criticism to coaching. Instead of asking, ‘What is wrong with me?’, try asking, ‘What happened, what do I need and what is one helpful next step?’”

Three steps Sim gives to help are: 

1. Name the pattern 

Notice when negative self-talk shows up. Is it after mirrors, mistakes, social comparison, work pressure, parenting stress, or scrolling online?

2. Change the tone

Ask: ‘What would I say to a friend in the same situation?’ Then try to use a version of that sentence with yourself.

3. Make it behavioural 

Replace global labels like ‘I’m useless’ with a specific next action: ‘I’m tired, this was hard, and I can take a break / try again tomorrow / ask for help.’

“Self-compassion works best when it helps people take care of themselves and act more effectively. It is not about pretending everything is fine. It's about making your inner response more useful.”

“One helpful reframe is: your self-talk should sound more like a good coach than a harsh critic.

“A harsh critic says, ‘You’re useless.’ A good coach says, ‘That did not go how you wanted. What can we learn, and what is the next step?’

“That shift is key because people rarely become more confident by attacking themselves. We are more likely to grow when we can notice mistakes without turning those mistakes into a judgement on our whole identity.